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Fiction Submission Guidelines

Do not fall into the trap of assuming your Editor is a placid, gentle sort of human being. Your Editor is an evil sadistic fiend; the personification of bad hair days and attitude problems in lurid plus-fours. He or she is the sort of person who pulls the legs off spiders and demolishes birds' nests.
Following are a number of adjustments you can make to ensure your submission appeals to such an editor:

  1. Type on good-quality, absorbent paper that is kind to haemorrhoids and non-abrasive. Never use staples.
  2. Do not use small, closely spaced fonts. The repercussion of such an act is that a high proportion of the ink has paper on it. This high density makes said ink more liable to run when it comes into contact with snot. Instead, double-space your text and be sure to use a large font (not bold).
  3. Editors love philately. Be sure to include an SAE with stamps on it. If you can find unusual or special edition stamps, so much the better. Editors also enjoy decorating their offices with long chains of paperclips, so be sure to include a few of these (coloured are best) for good measure.
  4. Do not stick labels on your manuscript; it may become adhered to the inside of your Editor's wastepaper basket.
  5. Print only on one side of the paper so as not to deprive your Editor of his or her editor's right to play Hangman and Noughts and Crosses.
  6. Write your name on each page, especially if it is a humorous one like Bastard or Ramsbottom.
  7. Do not submit material with gratuitous sexual content. It has been known to induce strokes and cardiac arrests from overexcitement.
  8. Avoid using colours or highlighters as they may induce epileptic fits. It's sometimes possible to get away with using orange paper as editors are usually covered in fake tan that rubs off all over everything, but it's easier to play it safe and just stick with white paper.
  9. Include a bio. You may also include a photograph, but if you do so please make sure you affix doubel-sided tape to the back so it can be secured to the dartboard.
  10. Please allow 28 years for a response.